It is human nature to interpret. We cannot exist without interpretation. We interpret art, literature, and the behavior of animals, children and one another. We interpret anything others say to us and what they do not say to us. We interpret the behaviors of others. Websters dictionary defines interpretation as, "(1) to explain or tell the meaning of: present in understandable terms. (2) To conceive in the light of individual belief, judgment, or circumstance. 3) To represent by means of art: bring to realization by performance or direction." Interpretation is sometimes conscious and deliberate, at other times unconscious and most often somewhere between the two ends of that continuum. Unconscious interpretation can cause problems in relationships. Becoming aware of our interpretations can help us improve our relationships.
I will begin with an example of the behavior of a toddler. This child was one of four children I was taking care of in the baby room of the daycare center where I was working. He was a delightful child. I will call him Michael. One day, as I was changing another toddler, Michael approached Susie in a toddler style social exchange. Susie was standing in a playpen with her hands on the railing. Michael was teething and began to chew on the railing. He then moved his mouth to Susie's hand and bit. Naturally, Susie began to scream in pain. I quickly intervened, gently scolding Michael and soothing Susie. Michael began to do this daily. My interpretation of Michael's behavior went like this; "Oh, he accidentally discovered that he can get a big reaction this way, he needs to learn how to get reactions in other ways and it's my job to help him learn how." My interpretation was not that Michael was exhibiting antisocial behaviors or that he was "bad". Michael's mother was a sensitive, sensible individual, so she and I worked together and gradually we helped Michael understand that biting somebody is not a good way to get attention. We did our jobs as parent and teacher and taught him how to get attention using positive social skills. I believe that had we interpreted Michael's behavior negatively, our reactions would have been stronger, shaming and punitive. The result of that kind of reaction from adults usually makes a toddler's behavior worse. Children will live up or down to the expectations of adults. Fortunately, I had enough understanding of early childhood development to know that Michael had not been "born bad," so I did not overreact to his behavior and eventually his behavior improved. In his (1998) book, The Explosive Child; a New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily frustrated, "Chronically Inflexible" Children, Ross Greene writes, "your interpretation of a childs inflexible-explosive behaviors will be closely linked to how you try to change these behaviors. In other words, your interpretation will guide your intervention" (page 14).
Playard Baby
I have been involved with many situations in which adults misinterpreted childrens behaviors, overreacted and made the problem worse. A classic parental overreaction occurs when parent and child are emotionally too close. This kind of situation can happen if parents have low self-esteem and may be relying on their children to help them feel better. It will often occur that a child feels angry with the parent and does not know how to communicate this. The child will yell, "I hate you!" Many parents make the mistake of interpreting that angry statement as a personal assault. Parents have to be in charge and often have to make decisions that result in a child's feeling angry because they cannot always do exactly what they want to do. Children are not mature enough to know how to recognize and express their feelings to their parents. This situation is especially true if the parents have not learned how to recognize their feelings and express them to the children, appropriately. Children learn best through the example of their parents. If parents have not learned how to talk about their feelings, the children will not know how to do so either. When parents become self-aware and learn how to express their emotions well, children will follow their example.
Interpretation occurs in all relationships. Interpretation is most difficult in written communication. When we communicate with someone through text, e-mail or letter we cannot see the person's facial expression or body language and there is no tone of voice to help us understand the speaker more clearly. It is much easier for us to misinterpret someone when we are reading his or her written messages.
In intimate relationships interpretation is always present. In more difficult relationships negative interpretations run rampant, and are part of the problem. One or both partners make negative, destructive interpretations about their partner. Often people do this without recognizing what they are doing. Sadly, that results in people assuming the worst about their partner. They decide that the other person is an adversary. Their thinking might be something like, "she just takes advantage of me" or "he never does anything around the house" or "she has no principles" or "he is cold."
We can change our interpretations, not the other person. If a spouse begins to complain about something he perceives to be wrong in the house, it does not necessarily follow that he is blaming his spouse for the problem. She might hear it as a complaint about herself; she may be taking it personally. She can change her interpretation. She is in charge of how she interprets what her spouse says, and vice versa. A good question would be to ask her spouse, "Are you complaining about me?" or, "What is it that you believe is wrong?"
There is a difference between responding and reacting. If a person reacts it may be due to their feeling attacked, insecure, and on the defensive. A reaction may be mostly emotional, defensive and not well thought out. In other words, the person's interpretation is immediate and unconscious. He may not know it. Someone who can respond knows that meaning is different for each individual and that it is important to ask questions before a satisfactory response can be made. If one individual is highly reactive, it may be because of his interpretation of his spouses comment. He may have made a negative interpretation and felt as if his spouse was criticizing him.
A final example involves a man who was socialized to be a hero and competitive. When his normally well-organized wife completed a task that he did not know was occurring, he became quite angry and accused her of being "uppity" and of "trumping me." The use of the term "uppity" suggests that when his wife is being well organized and behaves competently, he interprets her behavior as a personal assault. This woman did not know that he was interested in or concerned about doing the task she had done. The idea that she "trumped" him suggests that his interpretation is that she was trying to beat him. Questions revealed that she was simply doing what she always does. Her behavior was not about him. Indeed, in his book, Men in Therapy, David Wexler discusses "mind reading" or interpretation. "In dysfunctional couples, negative mind reading runs rampant. It is as if each partner has made what Gottman (John 1999) calls a 'secret silent decision' about the other that he or she is an adversary and not worth respecting. Each assumes the worst about the other" (Page 101) Wexler explains that a spouse who is acting as a friend can interpret his or her spouse's behavior positively. Had the man in this example perceived his wife positively, he would have known that she was just completing a task as she saw it needed to be done.
Anyone perceiving or interpreting their partner as an "adversary" will have difficulty in their relationship. Responsible partners take their time as they interpret their partner's behavior, and find a positive way to respond rather than reacting negatively.
In their textbook, Couples in Treatment, Gerald Weeks and Stephen Treat point out that, "there is no universality of meaning in behavior, and that inquiry for further depth of understanding is a necessity" (pg. 73). They are teaching therapists and couples to ask questions to develop a clearer and deeper understanding of the behavior another person exhibits that the observer may not understand. Assuming a person was deliberately doing something to hurt another is a thoughtless reaction that can lead to many negative interactions. The whole world can benefit through each one of us choosing to slow down, be mindful and recognize the positive in other humans.
Black Friday GracoTravel Lite Crib With Stages, Notting Hill 2011 Deals
Nov 24, 2011 11:44:46
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